I feel the dark clouds slowly come over my head, I want to be free! I am tired like physically but mentally. I want God to use me to be an encouragement. I want to feel God fullness, its not easy but that is why we have free will. Lord free me from myself! I dont want to get left behind. Father free me from this captivity of confusion that I am living in. I want to feel the fire inside that I once felt. I want to see clearly, the way I have before! Father God in my heart I want more of you, but my flesh wont let me move, I feel trapped! I feel stuck, Like I am lacking something. I feel like I am slowly fading away from the lord. I dont want to feel the darkness anymore, I dont want to listen to the voices that tell me I am not worth it, that God will not supply my needs. I want to be free! I speak life into myself and my situation, I will own my own home! I will be a successful writer! I will be an outstanding mother and my children will know who you are! I can feel that my household is not in order! rid me of the devastation. I need more discipline I do not want to serve two Gods. I am tired of having children out of wedlock. I am not a victim of my circumstances, I am a solider! I will continue to fight! I will make it easy on myself! I need order, the voices need to be gone! the pain need to go away! Lord have mercy, the bad dreams need to go away! I am free, I am free no longer will I just sit back and watch other people prosper when I know that Lord faith without works are dead I dont want to keep feeling dead inside, Lord I am going to be whole again! I am going to feel your presence, you woke me up another day! please father dont leave me! I am desperate for you! In Jesus name make me over! I am at war with myself, I am in charge of my destiny!
Tag: fighting
Outside
Philadelphia Pa, where I grew up there was alot of violence things that I didnt understand. My mother she always had toys for us and warm bed to sleep in. Sometimes I would fine her alone in her room looking out the window talking to herself . I grew up where all the kids were outside playing together everyday after school, jumping rope, riding bikes, we would walk to the corner store to get a snack before and after school. See growing up I would see alot of kids didnt have the same things I did so I would share my stuff. I would pack extra lunch or pencils. Sometimes, in my neighborhood I would see alot of happy kids. We would play and when it was time to go inside we would. Sometimes adults would argue or you would see them fighting. One time I saw a woman hit another women with a metal pipe and her eyes were black and she had bruises on her body. Growing up We would go to the library to play and read escaping from the realities that were outside. Where people were selling drugs on the corner, shooting at each other, playin dice games. Drinking outside and just being merry. Growing up there were sometimes alot of block parties where kids would play and strangers became close. The smell of pollution in the air and dinners from friends who had food. Growing up outside was a playground but if you got in trouble the neighbors would tell or get after you. these are some of the things I remember.
Thoughtful Teardrop
I thought about dropping a tear today,’ why? I am so frustrated, mad, angry, and sad. What! no way you feel alone? hurt? abused? shame? your not alone> I thought about dropping a tear for the little girl inside that cried and cried. I thought about dropping a tear for the woman who is in a relationship but feel like a single mother. I felt like dropping a tear for the teenager being promiscious and thinking she has to blend in with the crowd> I thought about dropping a tear for the woman who is not sure which way to go but do not want to give up! I thought about dropping a tear for the older woman who think is ok to give your children a negative view of life and think everyone is against you, instead of living your truth!
I didnt cry! I didnt shed the tear! I got up! I prayed! I gave it to God! I forgave the people! I forgave the person! I forgave myself! its a brand new day! the sun is shining! I feel the heat on my back! I see my children smiling! I see my children playing! I can live! I can run, I can jump! I can move! I am not fighting for my life mentally anymore! I decided to share with you! I decided to write! I am alive! I thought about dropping a tear today! but if you need to cry go head let it out and move on! its ok! let it go!
Paperless Tales 