Category: abuse

Temporary Buzz
abuse · addiction · drinking · drunk · ghetto

Temporary Buzz

loveli76593 Comments

The rush I feel just going to the place I know will have you. Its something that makes me feel good, knowing that once its in my system I can set myself free from my problems, my situations, people, places and things. I know once I take that sip I can set my mind free. I began to feel excitement, and joy, I began to feel more socially accepted. It turns into a thing where I can just do whatever comes to mind. But its a temporary buzz. Something that last for a couple of hours then next thing its a blank. My memory isnt all there, I do not know the words coming out of my mouth, careless thinking. Why is it so easy to become addicted to a substance that will have you forget what you did that night or day or even hour. Why do I over indulge in the drink to feel something, so many other things to make me feel better but yet, its so easy to run to the bottle.

Slowly sipping my pain away until I feel numb for a few hours. Of course when you have someone to drink with its even better! this drinking has become something like a hobby something to do. It went from drinking occasionally,to sometimes, to wanting to do it every night. I use to find someone to drink with me so I didnt feel like a lush, I use to bring the bottles to the party so we can all get “Turned up” well turning up for me didnt always go well. I can remember the time I trusted someone to the point where I blacked out from drinking and woke up with a man on top of me claiming I wanted him, I recall saying no and going in and out of being aware of what was actually taking place until I literally pushed the person off of me and said leave me alone! Leave me alone I came here to have a good time and socialize not to be taking advantage of while under the influence. Trauma and Addiction goes hand and hand. You drink to forget! You drink to not allow those thoughts to creep up in your mind of the times where you were used and abused more than once and for what? who knows but the reality of it is the feeling you get from drinking to forget your problems or troubles are only last for a couple of hours and before you know you, your too drunk to stand up

For me I began to either feel sick or sleepy and then wake up the next day looking at photos or either messages that were sent to people Im afraid to have a good conversation with so I decide to send drunk text messages, see what I didnt realize was even when I was drinking I still seek attention I still call out for help to someone to save me from myself. NO self control and then either feeling sick or forgetting what happened so what benefits do I really get from drinking. None, I wake up disappointed I allow myself to fall into temptation of grabbing the bottle, I allowed myself to over do it and throw up or either pass out and call my friends and say what happened last night. So with that being said its sad its a problem it is fixable over time but still I yearn for the bottle to help me find my peace.

abuse · lonely

Mentality Change

loveli7659Leave a comment

I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking in the club, on the street, on the bus, at the bus stop, at the library. Nothing good ever came from any of those venture. I also wanted to fit in with the popular crowd. How many know when you try to fit in, you stand out in the wrong way! I use to love attention, I was build like a brick house, but didnt know my worth. I would often get compliments and take it to my head! sometimes I thought hey, I got drinks, I got money, I have my own place someone will help make this a home. One day, I met someone who did just that. He was a business man a few years older than me, he taught me alot about business and tried to show me how to save money. He help me raise my first son. He kept me in the nicest clothing, and often took me places even when I didnt ask. He was great with being a provider and helping support whatever ideas I had in mind. Often times, He would be the greatest. Taught me how to cook, clean, etc. How a woman is suppose to be for a man. I was young though, I didnt always do things the way he wanted. He put his hands on me and choke me. I thought it was suppose to be like that, he would threaten me, sometimes he would say mean things to me to make me feel like I was worthless. The sad part is despite all of that my son was spoiled, bills were paid. I just wasnt happy so what did I do act out. I would stay out all night, I would hang out at my friends houses until I thought he would leave or be sleep, I would just try to avoid him at times. The relationship took a turn and it was something I often blamed myself for. I would be afraid and have nightmares that he would kill me, I have experience him making promises of things he would do if I didnt have my son. I learned alot from him. but what it also made me do was treat someone else the same way. Not physically abused them, but mentally abused them. I lied about any and everything, I blamed the other person for whatever issues, I caused. I did alot of things that was done to me. See, people dont realize when you treat someone in a negative way, it may not show immediately, but the signs are there. It will often be passed on either to family, friend a child etc. Its sad because not just him, but other situations caused me to go from being happy go lucky to someone who turned bitter and sad. I just wish I would have knew God the same way I know him today. I know it was his protection and grandmother prayers that saved me from physical abuse. Woman need to really look for the signs, know it dont always start out right away it is slow and gradually gets bigger. It dont always have to be physical. Personally I think mental damage is worse! it made me insecure, didnt trust people especially men, it just made me all together lost.