Category: Drama
Taking Control
**Day 2: Taking Control of My Day**
I didn’t ask to be anyone’s emotional dumping ground. I didn’t ask to carry the weight of people who show up in and out of my life whenever it’s convenient for them.
My story starts young. My grandma took me in when I was three. The abuse in that house didn’t start right away, it came later, after my father passed, and it lasted until I was fourteen, when we finally moved. That part isn’t her fault. But over the years, she’s been in and out of my life, on her own terms, up until I got my own place.
When I got my own place, I opened the door wide. I told her wherever I live, she’s welcome. I meant it. I paid her to help raise my son while I worked. I helped her get her Social Security. I let arguments happen with people I was dating just so she’d always have somewhere to land. I even moved to be closer to her and my brother.
And still, every time I asked for help, I got complaints. Fussing in the morning. A smirk when things got hard for me, like some quiet satisfaction that I’d finally hit my breaking point.
So today, I told her to leave.
She didn’t take it seriously, because she’s used to me calming down and letting her back in. But this time, my brother is handling her things when he’s back from vacation. She can stay with him or wherever she was before.
Then she told my son I’d asked her to leave. He packed a bag and left with her. I’m not angry that he packed a bag. I’m angry that he chose not to stand on his own.
Here’s what I’ve learned: I never held it against my mom that my grandma raised me. Grandma didn’t have to take me in, but she did, and I never made my mom pay for that. But somehow, no matter what I do or how much I give, it’s never enough. I’m always the one absorbing the disrespect while everyone else’s shortcomings get excused.
I have five other children who need me present, today, not tomorrow. I can’t keep pouring myself into people who only show up to take.
So today, I’m choosing peace over chaos. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m handing the rest over to God, and I’m walking forward.
**If it costs you peace, remove it.**
*”Let the peace of God rule in your hearts…”* — Colossians 3:15
*”Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee.”* — Isaiah 26:3
#Day2 #TakingControl #ProtectYourPeace #FaithOverFear #SingleMomLife #GodIsInControl #BetterThanYesterday #ChristianMom #BreakingCycles #FamilyHealing
I never thought
I truly feel like sometimes I ain’t good enough for certain family members like I was never at the level that they wanted me to be
No matter how much I helped
No matter how much I listen
No matter how much I encourage
And still I’m expected to show respect to someone who views me as an enemy instead of family
It causes damage mentally
Causes frustration
Why be around me if you don’t like me
It’s been feeling like I’m being used
But it’s your opinion that matters most
Yet I get mistreated and only help from you
If it benefits you
I don’t get help from you unless you want something in return
If I complain then I’m wrong
But why can’t I tell you how you wronged me
It’s sad, upsetting, and frustrating
Pondering
How do you instill things in your children that will help them grow and learn?
How do you get your children to understand how to be obedient and listen without overwhelming yourself?
I don’t want to keep using the same methods that didn’t get me anywhere with my older son with my younger children, so I tried to talk more and be more patient versus how I was with my older son and just discipline him every chance I got..
As I get older and my children grow older, it seems like talking to them at times feels like a lot like nobody is comprehending or understanding what it is that I’m trying to instill in them or teach them.
I grew up with several different ways of being disciplined and the ways that I chose to utilize what I was taught was not always good with my oldest child so I’m trying to be different with my other children…
What are some ways that you feel you can teach your children how to listen and understand what you’re teaching them without huge confusion or confrontation??
I genuinely would like an answer as to how you parent your children and what were the results of your parenting techniques that you use on your children?
You tricked me
You tricked me into falling for you and when you got done, you discarded me like I was tissue after blowing your false desires and dreams on me. Making me believe we were one thing when it was really something else. You didn’t take your time with me you didn’t treat me like a fragile doll or antique you sped up this reality to make me think I had a chance and fed me breadcrumbs.. having me chase after you, get out of character and fall under your lies. Once I called you out on the disrespect you turn and blame me…
Transform Your Mind: Trusting God Amidst Challenges
Cast down negative thoughts, cast down things not of God, what did God say about you. Don’t get tired of waiting, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen have faith and trust in the Lord. Be anxious for nothing but pray in everything change how you see yourself change your vision, change how you see your bank account, you will see it in your mind first.
Don’t water yourself down to make others feel comfortable don’t change a thing about who you are be who you are unapologetically be bold strong and courageous make sure that you are fully grounded in the word of God so that you don’t allow any outside influences to make any changes negatively impact your life or your future.
Speak Louder
Im sorry I couldn’t hear you over my negative thoughts
I couldn’t listen to you over my own negativity that has been running through my mind like a mouse on a wheel
Do you think the things you said cut me deep when the cuts I had are still fresh. the words you speak only confirm what I have been feeling
Deep in my mind I often ran to that little girl who was pleasant but always cried out for help she would act up try to be a clown and try to be down so sometimes she comes out in other ways
you think what you did hurts me when I have been trying to silence the voices in my mind
SPEAK LOUDER let you opinion soar don’t shut down now I need more pile it all on me I can handle it because here’s the thing what you don’t see is me crying about it or pouting
O yes Im shouting now because I want you to ((( SPEAK LOUDER))))) make it known that you want to be free cuz I’m going to tell you that I’ve been there and done that and this isn’t my first trip
you think your words hurt when the actions have always been different and then expect a change from me, no please go be free cuz mentally I have been trapped and waiting to get out
SPEAK LOUDER didn’t you hear me the first time when I said its ok no need to explain I can see the pain when you walk away this time keep the same energy you gave me I am going to be free trust this is not over but it’s ok my thoughts will soon be dimmer and I will see clearer precisely who and what this problem is and then… at the point it will be… who knows… easier to speak
Move Forward…
Its ok to have high expectations for someone when you are dating and sometimes we set the bar too high because of past traumas and other situations we come across in our lives when it comes down to it. we need to make sure we are living out exactly what we expect from others too often, we treat situations differently meaning we don’t always allow people to treat us the way we deserve in turn having us set ourselves up for disappointment.
when you allow someone to treat you how you think they should and how you think that allows you to have anyone inside of you and takes you off your focus and your goal. when you allow anyone to have access to you and drop their insecurities and their thoughts and feelings on how it should play out for you, then you lose yourself in their dreams and expectations for you instead of what you set out for yourself.
Dont allow everyone to have access to you, don’t rush to date someone who doesn’t see your worth work hard for yourself to gain what you need to before you allow someone to come in and dictate your life. Stay strong demand respect and allow others to catch up to you. Never drop what you are doing to help someone else follow their dreams never put too much of yourself into anyone else that you lose your identity.
Deeper than Depression
I have to sometimes find ways to channel my depression like truly as a mother your not aloud to be sad or have break downs you have to figure out which way to handle certain things that can cause a trigger in your life like a song, smell, location, or even person. you cant sit in front of your child and cry and so you decide to find a quiet place in the house away from the noise and just cry or either scream or pray but u decided once you get it out your system that there is not turning back that it has been taking care of. but what if it hasnt and just like a band aid covering an wound you decide to pick at the scab until it bleeds and it has to be treated again you decide the first way you handled the issue didnt work so you try another method calling a friend now this friend you calll u dont really know what they got going on in their life but you just know they answer and then you break down all of your emotions and tirggers of what is causing you to sink into depression and you think there that it they have listened gave feedback and i got it out my system so you think you left the conversation satisfied but this feeling just wont go away so now what do you decide to do to ease the pain and the emotions your feeling look at funny videos or shows to take your mind off spend some time with your kids to use as a distraction to get out of your own head and still no progress that feeling you have deepens to the point where its like although you a present physically mentally you are not there its one thought after the next and you think of the methods you used before that didnt work so then you go to the liquor store and get yourself a beverage to just take the edge off and numb the pain your feeling nd thoughts your having but then you notice your almost done that drink and decide to get another and another and one thing leads to the next and now your drunk and your mind is racing and at the same time not thinkng striaght you decide to comfront your demons but in a way where not your creating a bigger problem than before and your fighting yourself mentally because you tried to talk to a friend that didnt work, you tried to have time to yourself and that didnt work so now your drunk and acting out what your feeling to yourself or someone close to you trying to find out why you were sad in the first place what caused you to go so far that you had to keep drinking to subside the emotions how is this even helping you get better and after all of that you still have the problem so do i you really come up with a full blown solution to help with depression you just learn to accept it and pray to God day by day that it will get better you dont blame others for not understanding you or blame yourself for not understanding you do research read the bible and pray and talk to a professional to see how you can manage day to day with mental illness i hope that this help you see that you are not alone that it is a fight and you will get through keep pushing yourself and dont give up
Im ready!
I snuck out the out the house today! Not physically, but mentally
I left my house got in the car and drove to the lake
when I got there i was greeted with loved ones
they told me how proud of me they were and that I needed to take care of my children
I often leave myself to escape this reality of life . God is watching over me and my family and I know it because it feels different
NO longer do I have to run to live, no longer do I have to explain my actions to people who do not understand me
I deal with life and became extremely humble, I dont owe you, and you dont owe me….
I snuck out of the house today to clear my mind mentally so that my children dont see me have a mental break doen, but instead see all smiles and see me be the mother that I need to be for them. Drinking does not solve it so thats out of the way
Writing has became my escape I can dream and imagine everything I need to and share my thoughts with the world! I am FREE! I AM NOT AFRAID!
If friendships do not last, its ok. If my relationship do not last its ok
I am building a new me with God and my children. this is better than anything I have felt! the spirit of sadness and making excuses for why it didnt happen are gone!
I am ready for a new level!
Paperless Tales 