Category: addiction

accepted · addiction · daily · lonely · Uncategorized

Can you truly love me

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can you truly love me when I’m down

Can you love me when I’m up and happy, being silly and just giddy all around you

can you love me when I’m a mess? My children have made me feel beautiful but I still don’t see it

can you love me and my curves the wrinkles that may form into a false smile but still hide the pain inside

can you love the way I love you when I see you down and even if I’m hurting lift you up?

can you love me the way God describes it in the bible as being patient and kind

can you love me when it seems everyone else has turned their back and I feel alone, I feel like the only true love I’ll ever get would be from someone who can benefit

can you truly love me and know that this is all I have to give is me, my life, my children, and my gifts…..

The only one who truly loves unconditionally is my heavenly father who also chose me…..

Can you LOVE ME….

accepted · addiction · Autism · christian · church · Drama · family · free · Friendship · Grace · hope · patience · Reality · Recovery · strength · truth · Uncategorized · victorious · victory

Transform Your Mind: Trusting God Amidst Challenges

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Cast down negative thoughts, cast down things not of God, what did God say about you. Don’t get tired of waiting, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen have faith and trust in the Lord. Be anxious for nothing but pray in everything change how you see yourself change your vision, change how you see your bank account, you will see it in your mind first.

Don’t water yourself down to make others feel comfortable don’t change a thing about who you are be who you are unapologetically be bold strong and courageous make sure that you are fully grounded in the word of God so that you don’t allow any outside influences to make any changes negatively impact your life or your future.

accepted · acoholic · addiction

straight no chaser

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when i get that liquid courage i feel unstoppable. everything i want to say and do i have no thought behind it. i let it make me feel couragious. it takes a lot to admit that im addicted to the power i feel behind the drink. if i want to express my feelings and not care how anyone feels i do it. if i have an impulsive thought i act on it. if i want to be shy and pretend not to be outspoken i can do that. but the liquid courage i have sometimes has a price, sometimes im not nice and i will act out and do whatever i want. if you are around me you have to deal with it. i will shoot it to you straight no chaser. if you made me mad im telling you just like that. if im happy you will know and if im having mix feelings well there is normally no in between you get what i choose to give you in that moment. often times it makes feel sick but i still deal with it because without it i feel like i have no power and my voice is no longer being heard. i go back to being shy and asking myself why playing the events in my mind that occured and trying to figure out where was the blur. it really does become one sometimes because i will black out and not know what i did but those moments before i can either be your enemy or your friend it all depends on how intoxicated i am. sad part is i want to stop but cant i am brave when i have that drink, i am on top of the world….until im not and i want to stop and think but i cant i already had too much to drink so now, im free but not in the way i was suppose to be…..

Speak Louder
accepted · addiction · cheat · Drama · drinking · family · free · Friendship · ghetto · Grandpa · hope · kids · life · lonely · naive · pain · patience · Reality · Recovery · strength · truth · Uncategorized

Speak Louder

loveli76592 Comments

Im sorry I couldn’t hear you over my negative thoughts

I couldn’t listen to you over my own negativity that has been running through my mind like a mouse on a wheel

Do you think the things you said cut me deep when the cuts I had are still fresh. the words you speak only confirm what I have been feeling

Deep in my mind I often ran to that little girl who was pleasant but always cried out for help she would act up try to be a clown and try to be down so sometimes she comes out in other ways

you think what you did hurts me when I have been trying to silence the voices in my mind

SPEAK LOUDER let you opinion soar don’t shut down now I need more pile it all on me I can handle it because here’s the thing what you don’t see is me crying about it or pouting

O yes Im shouting now because I want you to ((( SPEAK LOUDER))))) make it known that you want to be free cuz I’m going to tell you that I’ve been there and done that and this isn’t my first trip

you think your words hurt when the actions have always been different and then expect a change from me, no please go be free cuz mentally I have been trapped and waiting to get out

SPEAK LOUDER didn’t you hear me the first time when I said its ok no need to explain I can see the pain when you walk away this time keep the same energy you gave me I am going to be free trust this is not over but it’s ok my thoughts will soon be dimmer and I will see clearer precisely who and what this problem is and then… at the point it will be… who knows… easier to speak

accepted · addiction · Drama · drinking · drunk · family · free · life · lonely · pain · patience · Reality · strength · truth · Uncategorized · victory

Deeper than Depression

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I have to sometimes find ways to channel my depression like truly as a mother your not aloud to be sad or have break downs you have to figure out which way to handle certain things that can cause a trigger in your life like a song, smell, location, or even person. you cant sit in front of your child and cry and so you decide to find a quiet place in the house away from the noise and just cry or either scream or pray but u decided once you get it out your system that there is not turning back that it has been taking care of. but what if it hasnt and just like a band aid covering an wound you decide to pick at the scab until it bleeds and it has to be treated again you decide the first way you handled the issue didnt work so you try another method calling a friend now this friend you calll u dont really know what they got going on in their life but you just know they answer and then you break down all of your emotions and tirggers of what is causing you to sink into depression and you think there that it they have listened gave feedback and i got it out my system so you think you left the conversation satisfied but this feeling just wont go away so now what do you decide to do to ease the pain and the emotions your feeling look at funny videos or shows to take your mind off spend some time with your kids to use as a distraction to get out of your own head and still no progress that feeling you have deepens to the point where its like although you a present physically mentally you are not there its one thought after the next and you think of the methods you used before that didnt work so then you go to the liquor store and get yourself a beverage to just take the edge off and numb the pain your feeling nd thoughts your having but then you notice your almost done that drink and decide to get another and another and one thing leads to the next and now your drunk and your mind is racing and at the same time not thinkng striaght you decide to comfront your demons but in a way where not your creating a bigger problem than before and your fighting yourself mentally because you tried to talk to a friend that didnt work, you tried to have time to yourself and that didnt work so now your drunk and acting out what your feeling to yourself or someone close to you trying to find out why you were sad in the first place what caused you to go so far that you had to keep drinking to subside the emotions how is this even helping you get better and after all of that you still have the problem so do i you really come up with a full blown solution to help with depression you just learn to accept it and pray to God day by day that it will get better you dont blame others for not understanding you or blame yourself for not understanding you do research read the bible and pray and talk to a professional to see how you can manage day to day with mental illness i hope that this help you see that you are not alone that it is a fight and you will get through keep pushing yourself and dont give up

Temporary Buzz
abuse · addiction · drinking · drunk · ghetto

Temporary Buzz

loveli76593 Comments

The rush I feel just going to the place I know will have you. Its something that makes me feel good, knowing that once its in my system I can set myself free from my problems, my situations, people, places and things. I know once I take that sip I can set my mind free. I began to feel excitement, and joy, I began to feel more socially accepted. It turns into a thing where I can just do whatever comes to mind. But its a temporary buzz. Something that last for a couple of hours then next thing its a blank. My memory isnt all there, I do not know the words coming out of my mouth, careless thinking. Why is it so easy to become addicted to a substance that will have you forget what you did that night or day or even hour. Why do I over indulge in the drink to feel something, so many other things to make me feel better but yet, its so easy to run to the bottle.

Slowly sipping my pain away until I feel numb for a few hours. Of course when you have someone to drink with its even better! this drinking has become something like a hobby something to do. It went from drinking occasionally,to sometimes, to wanting to do it every night. I use to find someone to drink with me so I didnt feel like a lush, I use to bring the bottles to the party so we can all get “Turned up” well turning up for me didnt always go well. I can remember the time I trusted someone to the point where I blacked out from drinking and woke up with a man on top of me claiming I wanted him, I recall saying no and going in and out of being aware of what was actually taking place until I literally pushed the person off of me and said leave me alone! Leave me alone I came here to have a good time and socialize not to be taking advantage of while under the influence. Trauma and Addiction goes hand and hand. You drink to forget! You drink to not allow those thoughts to creep up in your mind of the times where you were used and abused more than once and for what? who knows but the reality of it is the feeling you get from drinking to forget your problems or troubles are only last for a couple of hours and before you know you, your too drunk to stand up

For me I began to either feel sick or sleepy and then wake up the next day looking at photos or either messages that were sent to people Im afraid to have a good conversation with so I decide to send drunk text messages, see what I didnt realize was even when I was drinking I still seek attention I still call out for help to someone to save me from myself. NO self control and then either feeling sick or forgetting what happened so what benefits do I really get from drinking. None, I wake up disappointed I allow myself to fall into temptation of grabbing the bottle, I allowed myself to over do it and throw up or either pass out and call my friends and say what happened last night. So with that being said its sad its a problem it is fixable over time but still I yearn for the bottle to help me find my peace.

addiction · church · family · Friendship · ghetto · kids · life · lonely · pain · Reality

Beneath Me

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Beneath me lies a bunch of flowers from the victims of the games that were played by my sins. Beneath me lies the damage on the dirt that was done. When sinning, thinking about nothing but personal gain. How can God let me live knowing I am far from him. beneath me lies some simple minded individual who will make me feel lower than low and what do I do play dumb for sho. Beneath me lies the old me who allowed myself to go crazy over what I thought was something healthy and had to realize it was far from that. As a matter of Fact theres alot of things I did that I wish I could take back! I wish I never lied to anyone who didnt deserve it, I wish I never told my business cuz it wasnt worth it. I wish I never embarrassed myself in front of God knows who. Man listen its all in the past God forgave me why didnt you. I did alot of things I should have never done and that why I say its beneath me because the devil didnt win.I have lost people so close to me that it hurts to think about it. But when you care about yourself there is no way around it. I must give back to the world all of the good things I have learned. Make no mistake God is not through, I will be on t,v. alive and well giving motivational speeches to woman and men who feel like they have failed. My children will look at me and be proud. Beneath me lies the things that make me smile, because it hurt and I got back up again. Lesson learned and its not over….. its just the beginning.

addiction · christian · Drama · family · Friendship · kids · life

Strangest Thing

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Strangest thing I thought it was the strangest thing today. That somehow I would care of what this world will think. It is a show almost like a movie where your on the big screen and everyone is watching, eating popcorn and waiting for the action. Strangest thing there is no action today no words to be said and the scene keeps getting delayed. All of the lights are dim and so is the mindset of some of the viewers, because we hide behind the camera and act as if we are rulers. You act like the director of the movie that you are watching instead of taking a seat. How is it so much drama o wait its because of me. Strangest thing how much I am realizing this is all a game. I am a mother now! no way always has been but just took time to get this way. But how will you make it with all these kids they are just in the way. How will you have fun when your changing diapers, and making bottles, How will you get around and you cant drive. How will you work if you are always on the go or knocked up. Strangest thing of how the world can make you feel so low sometimes that you are ready to go, call it quits and end it there but no I cant be that weak I have something here. Even if not who I thought it would be 5 little ones looking back at me. Yes they may see some bad things that I have done, but through this lesson of being a mother its never done! I can scream, I can cry, I can laugh but the show is not over and the pain will not last. God is on my side and my alot of my problems have been erased. The hurt I caused people can not be erased but got has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself. But its not over and I thank God for keeping me hear. Thanks for taking the time open my eyes so that its all so clear!

Recovery
addiction · christian · Drama · Grace · hope · life · pain · Reality · Recovery · truth · victory

Recovery

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Recovery

See I am in Recovery, not just from addiction but from life.

See Trauma use to be my friend and I played victim to my circumstances,

I blamed everyone else for my problems except for me.

See I use to feel like the world owed me something for what happened to me

Not only was I molested a few times by people I cared about, I was raped by people who

Pretended to like me. Some ways it was rape like my body was violated in a major way, In the guys mind,

He thought I wanted to play the game. But also raped of my identity, I didn’t see forest before the trees, I didn’t see that I was special and worth so much more than how I was being treated. I was raped of the love that I was given taking advantage in every way possible.

I am in recovery from the addiction of a bad habit to this world of lies, deception, and cruelty. This world will chew you up and spit you out like a piece of gum. But when your young you act dumb.

See, I was raised in a wonderful household despite some of the issues. My grandmother provided, love, pain, and showed me how to be independent. I learned about the world in a different way, I learned that everyone isnt your friend. You don’t need to be noticed to get attention.

See I am in recovery because depression was my best friend to sit and feel like it’s the end. Contemplating on how and when I will take my life, since I feel like its only right. But that’s the sucker way out. There is more in this world than to sacrifice foolishness for pleasure. I am slowly getting it together.

See I am in recovery because alcohol use to make me brave and all the things, I didn’t say sober came out in a slur when I hit the liquor. Alcohol made me feel unstoppable, it made me feel numb to my harsh reality. I had to use alcohol to take away the anxiety and the things in my mind that didn’t make sense. But what it was doing was making me sick. Not only physically but mentally. I am worth something, that drunken one-night stand isn’t worth nothing. The problem I am trying to block out is still returning

See I am in recovery from always feeling like I must be around people when its people who didn’t want to be around me. They only wanted to hear the sadness and insecurity. I let someone treat me how they thought I was supposed to be treated instead of the Queen that I really am. I am strong, I am brave, I am a child of God what more can I say.

See I am in recovery to be the woman I am meant to be, but not just for my children, but for me.
I am not who you think I am. I am more than the negativity, I wish I never gave away the good part of me for free. I wish I never let the wrong person in my life, O wait a minute this is how you earn your stripes! This is how you get to know the truth in the harsh world so I take these life lessons and put them to use so I that I know what to look for the next time something thinks that can pull those kinds of moves.

See I am in recovery to be a Christian woman to share the word of the lord. He has kept me this long so I can minister to the world. If you can take the time to speak of negative things, then you can take the time to speak of God and his Gospel that’s why I am building my temple so I can be ready for any and everything I am brave. I can breathe again; my father has let me be who he sees fit for me to be. Lord I thank you for giving me the key. The choice to see right from wrong. Now I can go on knowing I have you to watch over me. Thank you, grandma, for showing me Jesus. I am in recovering and it will not end here, Life is unfair, and I have done my fair share. I have hurt and lost but now its time to get all I can and be who I need to for them.