Speak Louder

March 26, 2023March 26, 2023 loveli76592 Comments

Im sorry I couldn’t hear you over my negative thoughts

I couldn’t listen to you over my own negativity that has been running through my mind like a mouse on a wheel

Do you think the things you said cut me deep when the cuts I had are still fresh. the words you speak only confirm what I have been feeling

Deep in my mind I often ran to that little girl who was pleasant but always cried out for help she would act up try to be a clown and try to be down so sometimes she comes out in other ways

you think what you did hurts me when I have been trying to silence the voices in my mind

SPEAK LOUDER let you opinion soar don’t shut down now I need more pile it all on me I can handle it because here’s the thing what you don’t see is me crying about it or pouting

O yes Im shouting now because I want you to ((( SPEAK LOUDER))))) make it known that you want to be free cuz I’m going to tell you that I’ve been there and done that and this isn’t my first trip

you think your words hurt when the actions have always been different and then expect a change from me, no please go be free cuz mentally I have been trapped and waiting to get out

SPEAK LOUDER didn’t you hear me the first time when I said its ok no need to explain I can see the pain when you walk away this time keep the same energy you gave me I am going to be free trust this is not over but it’s ok my thoughts will soon be dimmer and I will see clearer precisely who and what this problem is and then… at the point it will be… who knows… easier to speak

accepted · addiction · Drama · drinking · drunk · family · free · life · lonely · pain · patience · Reality · strength · truth · Uncategorized · victory

Deeper than Depression

March 8, 2022 loveli7659Leave a comment

I have to sometimes find ways to channel my depression like truly as a mother your not aloud to be sad or have break downs you have to figure out which way to handle certain things that can cause a trigger in your life like a song, smell, location, or even person. you cant sit in front of your child and cry and so you decide to find a quiet place in the house away from the noise and just cry or either scream or pray but u decided once you get it out your system that there is not turning back that it has been taking care of. but what if it hasnt and just like a band aid covering an wound you decide to pick at the scab until it bleeds and it has to be treated again you decide the first way you handled the issue didnt work so you try another method calling a friend now this friend you calll u dont really know what they got going on in their life but you just know they answer and then you break down all of your emotions and tirggers of what is causing you to sink into depression and you think there that it they have listened gave feedback and i got it out my system so you think you left the conversation satisfied but this feeling just wont go away so now what do you decide to do to ease the pain and the emotions your feeling look at funny videos or shows to take your mind off spend some time with your kids to use as a distraction to get out of your own head and still no progress that feeling you have deepens to the point where its like although you a present physically mentally you are not there its one thought after the next and you think of the methods you used before that didnt work so then you go to the liquor store and get yourself a beverage to just take the edge off and numb the pain your feeling nd thoughts your having but then you notice your almost done that drink and decide to get another and another and one thing leads to the next and now your drunk and your mind is racing and at the same time not thinkng striaght you decide to comfront your demons but in a way where not your creating a bigger problem than before and your fighting yourself mentally because you tried to talk to a friend that didnt work, you tried to have time to yourself and that didnt work so now your drunk and acting out what your feeling to yourself or someone close to you trying to find out why you were sad in the first place what caused you to go so far that you had to keep drinking to subside the emotions how is this even helping you get better and after all of that you still have the problem so do i you really come up with a full blown solution to help with depression you just learn to accept it and pray to God day by day that it will get better you dont blame others for not understanding you or blame yourself for not understanding you do research read the bible and pray and talk to a professional to see how you can manage day to day with mental illness i hope that this help you see that you are not alone that it is a fight and you will get through keep pushing yourself and dont give up

abuse · addiction · drinking · drunk · ghetto

Temporary Buzz

December 15, 2021 loveli76593 Comments

The rush I feel just going to the place I know will have you. Its something that makes me feel good, knowing that once its in my system I can set myself free from my problems, my situations, people, places and things. I know once I take that sip I can set my mind free. I began to feel excitement, and joy, I began to feel more socially accepted. It turns into a thing where I can just do whatever comes to mind. But its a temporary buzz. Something that last for a couple of hours then next thing its a blank. My memory isnt all there, I do not know the words coming out of my mouth, careless thinking. Why is it so easy to become addicted to a substance that will have you forget what you did that night or day or even hour. Why do I over indulge in the drink to feel something, so many other things to make me feel better but yet, its so easy to run to the bottle.

Slowly sipping my pain away until I feel numb for a few hours. Of course when you have someone to drink with its even better! this drinking has become something like a hobby something to do. It went from drinking occasionally,to sometimes, to wanting to do it every night. I use to find someone to drink with me so I didnt feel like a lush, I use to bring the bottles to the party so we can all get “Turned up” well turning up for me didnt always go well. I can remember the time I trusted someone to the point where I blacked out from drinking and woke up with a man on top of me claiming I wanted him, I recall saying no and going in and out of being aware of what was actually taking place until I literally pushed the person off of me and said leave me alone! Leave me alone I came here to have a good time and socialize not to be taking advantage of while under the influence. Trauma and Addiction goes hand and hand. You drink to forget! You drink to not allow those thoughts to creep up in your mind of the times where you were used and abused more than once and for what? who knows but the reality of it is the feeling you get from drinking to forget your problems or troubles are only last for a couple of hours and before you know you, your too drunk to stand up

For me I began to either feel sick or sleepy and then wake up the next day looking at photos or either messages that were sent to people Im afraid to have a good conversation with so I decide to send drunk text messages, see what I didnt realize was even when I was drinking I still seek attention I still call out for help to someone to save me from myself. NO self control and then either feeling sick or forgetting what happened so what benefits do I really get from drinking. None, I wake up disappointed I allow myself to fall into temptation of grabbing the bottle, I allowed myself to over do it and throw up or either pass out and call my friends and say what happened last night. So with that being said its sad its a problem it is fixable over time but still I yearn for the bottle to help me find my peace.