Category: ghetto

Speak Louder
accepted · addiction · cheat · Drama · drinking · family · free · Friendship · ghetto · Grandpa · hope · kids · life · lonely · naive · pain · patience · Reality · Recovery · strength · truth · Uncategorized

Speak Louder

loveli76592 Comments

Im sorry I couldn’t hear you over my negative thoughts

I couldn’t listen to you over my own negativity that has been running through my mind like a mouse on a wheel

Do you think the things you said cut me deep when the cuts I had are still fresh. the words you speak only confirm what I have been feeling

Deep in my mind I often ran to that little girl who was pleasant but always cried out for help she would act up try to be a clown and try to be down so sometimes she comes out in other ways

you think what you did hurts me when I have been trying to silence the voices in my mind

SPEAK LOUDER let you opinion soar don’t shut down now I need more pile it all on me I can handle it because here’s the thing what you don’t see is me crying about it or pouting

O yes Im shouting now because I want you to ((( SPEAK LOUDER))))) make it known that you want to be free cuz I’m going to tell you that I’ve been there and done that and this isn’t my first trip

you think your words hurt when the actions have always been different and then expect a change from me, no please go be free cuz mentally I have been trapped and waiting to get out

SPEAK LOUDER didn’t you hear me the first time when I said its ok no need to explain I can see the pain when you walk away this time keep the same energy you gave me I am going to be free trust this is not over but it’s ok my thoughts will soon be dimmer and I will see clearer precisely who and what this problem is and then… at the point it will be… who knows… easier to speak

Temporary Buzz
abuse · addiction · drinking · drunk · ghetto

Temporary Buzz

loveli76593 Comments

The rush I feel just going to the place I know will have you. Its something that makes me feel good, knowing that once its in my system I can set myself free from my problems, my situations, people, places and things. I know once I take that sip I can set my mind free. I began to feel excitement, and joy, I began to feel more socially accepted. It turns into a thing where I can just do whatever comes to mind. But its a temporary buzz. Something that last for a couple of hours then next thing its a blank. My memory isnt all there, I do not know the words coming out of my mouth, careless thinking. Why is it so easy to become addicted to a substance that will have you forget what you did that night or day or even hour. Why do I over indulge in the drink to feel something, so many other things to make me feel better but yet, its so easy to run to the bottle.

Slowly sipping my pain away until I feel numb for a few hours. Of course when you have someone to drink with its even better! this drinking has become something like a hobby something to do. It went from drinking occasionally,to sometimes, to wanting to do it every night. I use to find someone to drink with me so I didnt feel like a lush, I use to bring the bottles to the party so we can all get “Turned up” well turning up for me didnt always go well. I can remember the time I trusted someone to the point where I blacked out from drinking and woke up with a man on top of me claiming I wanted him, I recall saying no and going in and out of being aware of what was actually taking place until I literally pushed the person off of me and said leave me alone! Leave me alone I came here to have a good time and socialize not to be taking advantage of while under the influence. Trauma and Addiction goes hand and hand. You drink to forget! You drink to not allow those thoughts to creep up in your mind of the times where you were used and abused more than once and for what? who knows but the reality of it is the feeling you get from drinking to forget your problems or troubles are only last for a couple of hours and before you know you, your too drunk to stand up

For me I began to either feel sick or sleepy and then wake up the next day looking at photos or either messages that were sent to people Im afraid to have a good conversation with so I decide to send drunk text messages, see what I didnt realize was even when I was drinking I still seek attention I still call out for help to someone to save me from myself. NO self control and then either feeling sick or forgetting what happened so what benefits do I really get from drinking. None, I wake up disappointed I allow myself to fall into temptation of grabbing the bottle, I allowed myself to over do it and throw up or either pass out and call my friends and say what happened last night. So with that being said its sad its a problem it is fixable over time but still I yearn for the bottle to help me find my peace.

addiction · church · family · Friendship · ghetto · kids · life · lonely · pain · Reality

Beneath Me

loveli7659Leave a comment

Beneath me lies a bunch of flowers from the victims of the games that were played by my sins. Beneath me lies the damage on the dirt that was done. When sinning, thinking about nothing but personal gain. How can God let me live knowing I am far from him. beneath me lies some simple minded individual who will make me feel lower than low and what do I do play dumb for sho. Beneath me lies the old me who allowed myself to go crazy over what I thought was something healthy and had to realize it was far from that. As a matter of Fact theres alot of things I did that I wish I could take back! I wish I never lied to anyone who didnt deserve it, I wish I never told my business cuz it wasnt worth it. I wish I never embarrassed myself in front of God knows who. Man listen its all in the past God forgave me why didnt you. I did alot of things I should have never done and that why I say its beneath me because the devil didnt win.I have lost people so close to me that it hurts to think about it. But when you care about yourself there is no way around it. I must give back to the world all of the good things I have learned. Make no mistake God is not through, I will be on t,v. alive and well giving motivational speeches to woman and men who feel like they have failed. My children will look at me and be proud. Beneath me lies the things that make me smile, because it hurt and I got back up again. Lesson learned and its not over….. its just the beginning.

bike riding · ghetto · kids · outside play · school

Outside

loveli7659Leave a comment

Philadelphia Pa, where I grew up there was alot of violence things that I didnt understand. My mother she always had toys for us and warm bed to sleep in. Sometimes I would fine her alone in her room looking out the window talking to herself . I grew up where all the kids were outside playing together everyday after school, jumping rope, riding bikes, we would walk to the corner store to get a snack before and after school. See growing up I would see alot of kids didnt have the same things I did so I would share my stuff. I would pack extra lunch or pencils. Sometimes, in my neighborhood I would see alot of happy kids. We would play and when it was time to go inside we would. Sometimes adults would argue or you would see them fighting. One time I saw a woman hit another women with a metal pipe and her eyes were black and she had bruises on her body. Growing up We would go to the library to play and read escaping from the realities that were outside. Where people were selling drugs on the corner, shooting at each other, playin dice games. Drinking outside and just being merry. Growing up there were sometimes alot of block parties where kids would play and strangers became close. The smell of pollution in the air and dinners from friends who had food. Growing up outside was a playground but if you got in trouble the neighbors would tell or get after you. these are some of the things I remember.