Speak Louder

March 26, 2023March 26, 2023 loveli76592 Comments

Im sorry I couldn’t hear you over my negative thoughts

I couldn’t listen to you over my own negativity that has been running through my mind like a mouse on a wheel

Do you think the things you said cut me deep when the cuts I had are still fresh. the words you speak only confirm what I have been feeling

Deep in my mind I often ran to that little girl who was pleasant but always cried out for help she would act up try to be a clown and try to be down so sometimes she comes out in other ways

you think what you did hurts me when I have been trying to silence the voices in my mind

SPEAK LOUDER let you opinion soar don’t shut down now I need more pile it all on me I can handle it because here’s the thing what you don’t see is me crying about it or pouting

O yes Im shouting now because I want you to ((( SPEAK LOUDER))))) make it known that you want to be free cuz I’m going to tell you that I’ve been there and done that and this isn’t my first trip

you think your words hurt when the actions have always been different and then expect a change from me, no please go be free cuz mentally I have been trapped and waiting to get out

SPEAK LOUDER didn’t you hear me the first time when I said its ok no need to explain I can see the pain when you walk away this time keep the same energy you gave me I am going to be free trust this is not over but it’s ok my thoughts will soon be dimmer and I will see clearer precisely who and what this problem is and then… at the point it will be… who knows… easier to speak

accepted · Drama · family · free · Friendship · Grace · hope · life · lonely · naive · pain · patience · Reality · Recovery · strength · truth · Uncategorized · victory

Move Forward…

March 26, 2023 loveli7659Leave a comment

Its ok to have high expectations for someone when you are dating and sometimes we set the bar too high because of past traumas and other situations we come across in our lives when it comes down to it. we need to make sure we are living out exactly what we expect from others too often, we treat situations differently meaning we don’t always allow people to treat us the way we deserve in turn having us set ourselves up for disappointment.

when you allow someone to treat you how you think they should and how you think that allows you to have anyone inside of you and takes you off your focus and your goal. when you allow anyone to have access to you and drop their insecurities and their thoughts and feelings on how it should play out for you, then you lose yourself in their dreams and expectations for you instead of what you set out for yourself.

Dont allow everyone to have access to you, don’t rush to date someone who doesn’t see your worth work hard for yourself to gain what you need to before you allow someone to come in and dictate your life. Stay strong demand respect and allow others to catch up to you. Never drop what you are doing to help someone else follow their dreams never put too much of yourself into anyone else that you lose your identity.

cheater · Friendship · pain · Reality · strength · truth · Uncategorized

My last Goodbye….

January 23, 2023 loveli7659Leave a comment

I shed a tear because I have no more tears left to cry

It’s like I’ve become numb to all of the foolishness and the lies

Too much on my mind, my thoughts running wild over the lies

but it’s not all on you, it’s me too! I was not supportive enough

I didn’t make you feel safe and secure, so you ran to something new

You ran to something new or maybe even comforting.

How am I supposed to believe that is all not happening,

As I sit and watch it unfold, I pray to God that you have exactly what you are looking for

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine when its all said it done it was a long journey

lots of pain, lots of joy, lots of laughter but no matter where we stand today

You are still someone who was empathizing with my pain

you look me in my face and told a lie and this one is something I can’t come back from

so as I am packing my bags and walking out ill be sure to leave a note to list the reasons why

I can’t keep masking the pain I feel inside

smiling in your face knowing you just came from a stranger’s place

I can’t speak to you the same, call me crazy but this is a different kind of escape this time around

no need to worry God is going to hold you down and when you come out of that lost place you are in

just remember you still have a friend.

accepted · addiction · Drama · drinking · drunk · family · free · life · lonely · pain · patience · Reality · strength · truth · Uncategorized · victory

Deeper than Depression

March 8, 2022 loveli7659Leave a comment

I have to sometimes find ways to channel my depression like truly as a mother your not aloud to be sad or have break downs you have to figure out which way to handle certain things that can cause a trigger in your life like a song, smell, location, or even person. you cant sit in front of your child and cry and so you decide to find a quiet place in the house away from the noise and just cry or either scream or pray but u decided once you get it out your system that there is not turning back that it has been taking care of. but what if it hasnt and just like a band aid covering an wound you decide to pick at the scab until it bleeds and it has to be treated again you decide the first way you handled the issue didnt work so you try another method calling a friend now this friend you calll u dont really know what they got going on in their life but you just know they answer and then you break down all of your emotions and tirggers of what is causing you to sink into depression and you think there that it they have listened gave feedback and i got it out my system so you think you left the conversation satisfied but this feeling just wont go away so now what do you decide to do to ease the pain and the emotions your feeling look at funny videos or shows to take your mind off spend some time with your kids to use as a distraction to get out of your own head and still no progress that feeling you have deepens to the point where its like although you a present physically mentally you are not there its one thought after the next and you think of the methods you used before that didnt work so then you go to the liquor store and get yourself a beverage to just take the edge off and numb the pain your feeling nd thoughts your having but then you notice your almost done that drink and decide to get another and another and one thing leads to the next and now your drunk and your mind is racing and at the same time not thinkng striaght you decide to comfront your demons but in a way where not your creating a bigger problem than before and your fighting yourself mentally because you tried to talk to a friend that didnt work, you tried to have time to yourself and that didnt work so now your drunk and acting out what your feeling to yourself or someone close to you trying to find out why you were sad in the first place what caused you to go so far that you had to keep drinking to subside the emotions how is this even helping you get better and after all of that you still have the problem so do i you really come up with a full blown solution to help with depression you just learn to accept it and pray to God day by day that it will get better you dont blame others for not understanding you or blame yourself for not understanding you do research read the bible and pray and talk to a professional to see how you can manage day to day with mental illness i hope that this help you see that you are not alone that it is a fight and you will get through keep pushing yourself and dont give up

addiction · church · family · Friendship · ghetto · kids · life · lonely · pain · Reality

Beneath Me

September 19, 2019 loveli7659Leave a comment

Beneath me lies a bunch of flowers from the victims of the games that were played by my sins. Beneath me lies the damage on the dirt that was done. When sinning, thinking about nothing but personal gain. How can God let me live knowing I am far from him. beneath me lies some simple minded individual who will make me feel lower than low and what do I do play dumb for sho. Beneath me lies the old me who allowed myself to go crazy over what I thought was something healthy and had to realize it was far from that. As a matter of Fact theres alot of things I did that I wish I could take back! I wish I never lied to anyone who didnt deserve it, I wish I never told my business cuz it wasnt worth it. I wish I never embarrassed myself in front of God knows who. Man listen its all in the past God forgave me why didnt you. I did alot of things I should have never done and that why I say its beneath me because the devil didnt win.I have lost people so close to me that it hurts to think about it. But when you care about yourself there is no way around it. I must give back to the world all of the good things I have learned. Make no mistake God is not through, I will be on t,v. alive and well giving motivational speeches to woman and men who feel like they have failed. My children will look at me and be proud. Beneath me lies the things that make me smile, because it hurt and I got back up again. Lesson learned and its not over….. its just the beginning.

addiction · christian · Drama · Grace · hope · life · pain · Reality · Recovery · truth · victory

Recovery

September 19, 2019September 20, 2019 loveli7659Leave a comment

Recovery

See I am in Recovery, not just from addiction but from life.

See Trauma use to be my friend and I played victim to my circumstances,

I blamed everyone else for my problems except for me.

See I use to feel like the world owed me something for what happened to me

Not only was I molested a few times by people I cared about, I was raped by people who

Pretended to like me. Some ways it was rape like my body was violated in a major way, In the guys mind,

He thought I wanted to play the game. But also raped of my identity, I didn’t see forest before the trees, I didn’t see that I was special and worth so much more than how I was being treated. I was raped of the love that I was given taking advantage in every way possible.

I am in recovery from the addiction of a bad habit to this world of lies, deception, and cruelty. This world will chew you up and spit you out like a piece of gum. But when your young you act dumb.

See, I was raised in a wonderful household despite some of the issues. My grandmother provided, love, pain, and showed me how to be independent. I learned about the world in a different way, I learned that everyone isnt your friend. You don’t need to be noticed to get attention.

See I am in recovery because depression was my best friend to sit and feel like it’s the end. Contemplating on how and when I will take my life, since I feel like its only right. But that’s the sucker way out. There is more in this world than to sacrifice foolishness for pleasure. I am slowly getting it together.

See I am in recovery because alcohol use to make me brave and all the things, I didn’t say sober came out in a slur when I hit the liquor. Alcohol made me feel unstoppable, it made me feel numb to my harsh reality. I had to use alcohol to take away the anxiety and the things in my mind that didn’t make sense. But what it was doing was making me sick. Not only physically but mentally. I am worth something, that drunken one-night stand isn’t worth nothing. The problem I am trying to block out is still returning

See I am in recovery from always feeling like I must be around people when its people who didn’t want to be around me. They only wanted to hear the sadness and insecurity. I let someone treat me how they thought I was supposed to be treated instead of the Queen that I really am. I am strong, I am brave, I am a child of God what more can I say.

See I am in recovery to be the woman I am meant to be, but not just for my children, but for me.
I am not who you think I am. I am more than the negativity, I wish I never gave away the good part of me for free. I wish I never let the wrong person in my life, O wait a minute this is how you earn your stripes! This is how you get to know the truth in the harsh world so I take these life lessons and put them to use so I that I know what to look for the next time something thinks that can pull those kinds of moves.

See I am in recovery to be a Christian woman to share the word of the lord. He has kept me this long so I can minister to the world. If you can take the time to speak of negative things, then you can take the time to speak of God and his Gospel that’s why I am building my temple so I can be ready for any and everything I am brave. I can breathe again; my father has let me be who he sees fit for me to be. Lord I thank you for giving me the key. The choice to see right from wrong. Now I can go on knowing I have you to watch over me. Thank you, grandma, for showing me Jesus. I am in recovering and it will not end here, Life is unfair, and I have done my fair share. I have hurt and lost but now its time to get all I can and be who I need to for them.