when i get that liquid courage i feel unstoppable. everything i want to say and do i have no thought behind it. i let it make me feel couragious. it takes a lot to admit that im addicted to the power i feel behind the drink. if i want to express my feelings and not care how anyone feels i do it. if i have an impulsive thought i act on it. if i want to be shy and pretend not to be outspoken i can do that. but the liquid courage i have sometimes has a price, sometimes im not nice and i will act out and do whatever i want. if you are around me you have to deal with it. i will shoot it to you straight no chaser. if you made me mad im telling you just like that. if im happy you will know and if im having mix feelings well there is normally no in between you get what i choose to give you in that moment. often times it makes feel sick but i still deal with it because without it i feel like i have no power and my voice is no longer being heard. i go back to being shy and asking myself why playing the events in my mind that occured and trying to figure out where was the blur. it really does become one sometimes because i will black out and not know what i did but those moments before i can either be your enemy or your friend it all depends on how intoxicated i am. sad part is i want to stop but cant i am brave when i have that drink, i am on top of the world….until im not and i want to stop and think but i cant i already had too much to drink so now, im free but not in the way i was suppose to be…..
Tag: addiction
Temporary Buzz
The rush I feel just going to the place I know will have you. Its something that makes me feel good, knowing that once its in my system I can set myself free from my problems, my situations, people, places and things. I know once I take that sip I can set my mind free. I began to feel excitement, and joy, I began to feel more socially accepted. It turns into a thing where I can just do whatever comes to mind. But its a temporary buzz. Something that last for a couple of hours then next thing its a blank. My memory isnt all there, I do not know the words coming out of my mouth, careless thinking. Why is it so easy to become addicted to a substance that will have you forget what you did that night or day or even hour. Why do I over indulge in the drink to feel something, so many other things to make me feel better but yet, its so easy to run to the bottle.
Slowly sipping my pain away until I feel numb for a few hours. Of course when you have someone to drink with its even better! this drinking has become something like a hobby something to do. It went from drinking occasionally,to sometimes, to wanting to do it every night. I use to find someone to drink with me so I didnt feel like a lush, I use to bring the bottles to the party so we can all get “Turned up” well turning up for me didnt always go well. I can remember the time I trusted someone to the point where I blacked out from drinking and woke up with a man on top of me claiming I wanted him, I recall saying no and going in and out of being aware of what was actually taking place until I literally pushed the person off of me and said leave me alone! Leave me alone I came here to have a good time and socialize not to be taking advantage of while under the influence. Trauma and Addiction goes hand and hand. You drink to forget! You drink to not allow those thoughts to creep up in your mind of the times where you were used and abused more than once and for what? who knows but the reality of it is the feeling you get from drinking to forget your problems or troubles are only last for a couple of hours and before you know you, your too drunk to stand up
For me I began to either feel sick or sleepy and then wake up the next day looking at photos or either messages that were sent to people Im afraid to have a good conversation with so I decide to send drunk text messages, see what I didnt realize was even when I was drinking I still seek attention I still call out for help to someone to save me from myself. NO self control and then either feeling sick or forgetting what happened so what benefits do I really get from drinking. None, I wake up disappointed I allow myself to fall into temptation of grabbing the bottle, I allowed myself to over do it and throw up or either pass out and call my friends and say what happened last night. So with that being said its sad its a problem it is fixable over time but still I yearn for the bottle to help me find my peace.
Recovery
Recovery
See I am in Recovery, not just from addiction but from life.
See Trauma use to be my friend and I played victim to my circumstances,
I blamed everyone else for my problems except for me.
See I use to feel like the world owed me something for what happened to me
Not only was I molested a few times by people I cared about, I was raped by people who
Pretended to like me. Some ways it was rape like my body was violated in a major way, In the guys mind,
He thought I wanted to play the game. But also raped of my identity, I didn’t see forest before the trees, I didn’t see that I was special and worth so much more than how I was being treated. I was raped of the love that I was given taking advantage in every way possible.
I am in recovery from the addiction of a bad habit to this world of lies, deception, and cruelty. This world will chew you up and spit you out like a piece of gum. But when your young you act dumb.
See, I was raised in a wonderful household despite some of the issues. My grandmother provided, love, pain, and showed me how to be independent. I learned about the world in a different way, I learned that everyone isnt your friend. You don’t need to be noticed to get attention.
See I am in recovery because depression was my best friend to sit and feel like it’s the end. Contemplating on how and when I will take my life, since I feel like its only right. But that’s the sucker way out. There is more in this world than to sacrifice foolishness for pleasure. I am slowly getting it together.
See I am in recovery because alcohol use to make me brave and all the things, I didn’t say sober came out in a slur when I hit the liquor. Alcohol made me feel unstoppable, it made me feel numb to my harsh reality. I had to use alcohol to take away the anxiety and the things in my mind that didn’t make sense. But what it was doing was making me sick. Not only physically but mentally. I am worth something, that drunken one-night stand isn’t worth nothing. The problem I am trying to block out is still returning
See I am in recovery from always feeling like I must be around people when its people who didn’t want to be around me. They only wanted to hear the sadness and insecurity. I let someone treat me how they thought I was supposed to be treated instead of the Queen that I really am. I am strong, I am brave, I am a child of God what more can I say.
See I am in recovery to be the woman I am meant to be, but
not just for my children, but for me.
I am not who you think I am. I am more than the negativity, I wish I never gave
away the good part of me for free. I wish I never let the wrong person in my
life, O wait a minute this is how you earn your stripes! This is how you get to
know the truth in the harsh world so I take these life lessons and put them to
use so I that I know what to look for the next time something thinks that can
pull those kinds of moves.
See I am in recovery to be a Christian woman to share the word of the lord. He has kept me this long so I can minister to the world. If you can take the time to speak of negative things, then you can take the time to speak of God and his Gospel that’s why I am building my temple so I can be ready for any and everything I am brave. I can breathe again; my father has let me be who he sees fit for me to be. Lord I thank you for giving me the key. The choice to see right from wrong. Now I can go on knowing I have you to watch over me. Thank you, grandma, for showing me Jesus. I am in recovering and it will not end here, Life is unfair, and I have done my fair share. I have hurt and lost but now its time to get all I can and be who I need to for them.
deeper than I known
slick rick dig deep into this pit. I dont know how long its going to be on. I can feed you and make sure you live. slick girl you think its alright if I can come over just for the night. You make me feel better than I have ever felt before. Its a dangerous game that you are playing but the devil got you twisted so its like the drink you have where your not thinking. Go deep with me watch me make moves you thought I couldnt. Go deep with me lets escape to estacy where I will make you lose your mind and have you thinking your in a whole different world. But go deep with me while I take you on this journey go deep with me while you see my struggles are you helping me get better no!!! go deep with me inside my heart and mind where I began to explain my desires and dreams o yea I forgot your hear to get your cream off and make me scream off of your 5 mins of pleasure that cause me to sink deeper into a depression of stressin. why are you here again I forgot cause I turned off my mind for a second and escape to a place where I became a different person. Now I am back, Now I am back and you gotta go done with you, now I am deep in thought about regret and change dont take your time away. O yea I forgot it was just all a thought in my head it never happen but isnt that what he said lol its cool……go home where there are no rules
Tilt
I use to turn up every weekend and then it went from the weekends to everyday. Soon it was more than once a day, I decided that I need to make a change. Change the things I can and accept that things I cant. Easier said than done, You couldnt tell me it wasnt fun. Atleast thats what I thought until in private behind close doors I am throwing up, or feeling like I am not going to make it. Trying to play it off like o yea I can hang, but in reality I was making myself sick. I would tilt my head back to have that shot, just one more drink to numb the pain, just one more drink to make me have the courage to express myself, just one more drink to be the person everyone wants me to be, just one more drink and so I tilt my hand to my mouth and drink that drink. Who cares what it is Im turning up, everyone is loving me, O now I am making a fool of myself but who cares we are all friends right? hahaha o yea they laughing with me huh? haha naw they were laughing at me. I made a ffool of myself and now instead of tilting my head to drink, I tilt my head to think about my life and my children. God kept me here for a reason and I have 5 blessings to show for it. I tilt my head to pray, I tilt my head to really look at the life I have children and new mercy.
Short Prayer
Jesus we love you. Jesus we worship you, we give you glory. We lift you on high father, for you are worthy to be praised. There is none like you. No matter what we are going through there is a time and place for everything. NO more showing off my body, NO more seeking the wrong attention from boys. I am a child of God and he is my father. NO more long nights of porn and fornication. NO more alcohol and other addictions. Father has healed me from the crown of my head to the soul of my feet. I am made new. God is with me no matter what. we love you lord, we worship you and lift our voice for you are worthy to be praised. You are my children’s provider, protector, deliver. We want to go deeper with you Lord, There is no one who can look out for us the way you can. Depression you cant have me, anxiety get off of me. Bipolar my got is bigger! Whatever mental illness and Health issue that is trying to come over me. I remove it. I rebuke it and plead the blood of Jesus. I send it back to where it came from right now. Holy ghost fire move and loose it off of me. Go back to where you came from. Insecurities get out of my mind. I am beautiful I am strong and wonderful, fruitfully made. My God is a healer. Thank you Jesus I am set free!
Paperless Tales 