cheater · Friendship · pain · Reality · strength · truth · Uncategorized

My last Goodbye….


I shed a tear because I have no more tears left to cry

It’s like I’ve become numb to all of the foolishness and the lies

Too much on my mind, my thoughts running wild over the lies

but it’s not all on you, it’s me too! I was not supportive enough

I didn’t make you feel safe and secure, so you ran to something new

You ran to something new or maybe even comforting.

How am I supposed to believe that is all not happening,

As I sit and watch it unfold, I pray to God that you have exactly what you are looking for

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine when its all said it done it was a long journey

lots of pain, lots of joy, lots of laughter but no matter where we stand today

You are still someone who was empathizing with my pain

you look me in my face and told a lie and this one is something I can’t come back from

so as I am packing my bags and walking out ill be sure to leave a note to list the reasons why

I can’t keep masking the pain I feel inside

smiling in your face knowing you just came from a stranger’s place

I can’t speak to you the same, call me crazy but this is a different kind of escape this time around

no need to worry God is going to hold you down and when you come out of that lost place you are in

just remember you still have a friend.

accepted · addiction · Drama · drinking · drunk · family · free · life · lonely · pain · patience · Reality · strength · truth · Uncategorized · victory

Deeper than Depression


I have to sometimes find ways to channel my depression like truly as a mother your not aloud to be sad or have break downs you have to figure out which way to handle certain things that can cause a trigger in your life like a song, smell, location, or even person. you cant sit in front of your child and cry and so you decide to find a quiet place in the house away from the noise and just cry or either scream or pray but u decided once you get it out your system that there is not turning back that it has been taking care of. but what if it hasnt and just like a band aid covering an wound you decide to pick at the scab until it bleeds and it has to be treated again you decide the first way you handled the issue didnt work so you try another method calling a friend now this friend you calll u dont really know what they got going on in their life but you just know they answer and then you break down all of your emotions and tirggers of what is causing you to sink into depression and you think there that it they have listened gave feedback and i got it out my system so you think you left the conversation satisfied but this feeling just wont go away so now what do you decide to do to ease the pain and the emotions your feeling look at funny videos or shows to take your mind off spend some time with your kids to use as a distraction to get out of your own head and still no progress that feeling you have deepens to the point where its like although you a present physically mentally you are not there its one thought after the next and you think of the methods you used before that didnt work so then you go to the liquor store and get yourself a beverage to just take the edge off and numb the pain your feeling nd thoughts your having but then you notice your almost done that drink and decide to get another and another and one thing leads to the next and now your drunk and your mind is racing and at the same time not thinkng striaght you decide to comfront your demons but in a way where not your creating a bigger problem than before and your fighting yourself mentally because you tried to talk to a friend that didnt work, you tried to have time to yourself and that didnt work so now your drunk and acting out what your feeling to yourself or someone close to you trying to find out why you were sad in the first place what caused you to go so far that you had to keep drinking to subside the emotions how is this even helping you get better and after all of that you still have the problem so do i you really come up with a full blown solution to help with depression you just learn to accept it and pray to God day by day that it will get better you dont blame others for not understanding you or blame yourself for not understanding you do research read the bible and pray and talk to a professional to see how you can manage day to day with mental illness i hope that this help you see that you are not alone that it is a fight and you will get through keep pushing yourself and dont give up

Uncategorized

Trust dont come easy


I chose to stay, but when I did little did I know I would only be in your way. Its a shame, Its a shame that the trust in the relationship faded away. You wake up mad about the past, I go to sleep thinking about the past. were both in each other way. Trust don’t come easy that’s what I say. How can you say you trust me but wake up mad at me about something from three years ago. who knows,… there no way we can move forward in this truth. because, the truth is I hurt you and you hurt me too. with one lie behind the next, but you said you forgave me not that seems like regret…. to keep throwing around what you think could of been, were better off as friends…. no need to get to deep into it, because we were both hurt from the start.

Uncategorized

Disrespectful Phase


Yelling, Screaming, Throwing things, Now she’s at a disrespectful phase. It doesn’t matter that you are trying to sleep the wee hours in the morning is when she weeps. Crying out for attention from anyone she has awaken, shaking by the rumble in her voice, the harshness in her tone, why cant this just leave me alone! I sit quietly sometimes listening to the roars of the night wondering whom she wants to fight…. is it me, is it he, is it we just cant give you the satisfactory of your desires! Money isnt enough, food isnt enough, space isnt enough for you to be sain..no disrespectful phase is where you are where you treat me as if I owe you something, why cry out when you really fight the person that helps, lack of trust is what you shown towards the one who loves you the most. I cant help, I’ve tried, I cant any longer go further with this phase your in what about my children!!!! Stop and think what they see, you acting as a terror in the night no wonder they put up a fight it’s what they see in this phase that your creating..

.

Uncategorized

Simplicity


I enjoy the simple things family time. I enjoy just going to the store to window shop and know that I will come back to buy what I saw, I enjoy a nice tv show and I enjoy doing my bible study to build my relationship with God. I enjoy time with my children just watching them play, going to the park, see I am a simple person. Sometimes I wish I wasnt does that mean that respect would be different. I am humble should I not be this way or would the level of conversation be different. Do you understand that being simple sometimes causes people to treat you in a certain way that do not always end up good. But I am simple see you know I will accept the small things in life. AM I wrong for being simple and just liking the basic necessities.

christian · hope · life · strength · truth · Uncategorized · victory

Desperate Cry


I feel the dark clouds slowly come over my head, I want to be free! I am tired like physically but mentally. I want God to use me to be an encouragement. I want to feel God fullness, its not easy but that is why we have free will. Lord free me from myself! I dont want to get left behind. Father free me from this captivity of confusion that I am living in. I want to feel the fire inside that I once felt. I want to see clearly, the way I have before! Father God in my heart I want more of you, but my flesh wont let me move, I feel trapped! I feel stuck, Like I am lacking something. I feel like I am slowly fading away from the lord. I dont want to feel the darkness anymore, I dont want to listen to the voices that tell me I am not worth it, that God will not supply my needs. I want to be free! I speak life into myself and my situation, I will own my own home! I will be a successful writer! I will be an outstanding mother and my children will know who you are! I can feel that my household is not in order! rid me of the devastation. I need more discipline I do not want to serve two Gods. I am tired of having children out of wedlock. I am not a victim of my circumstances, I am a solider! I will continue to fight! I will make it easy on myself! I need order, the voices need to be gone! the pain need to go away! Lord have mercy, the bad dreams need to go away! I am free, I am free no longer will I just sit back and watch other people prosper when I know that Lord faith without works are dead I dont want to keep feeling dead inside, Lord I am going to be whole again! I am going to feel your presence, you woke me up another day! please father dont leave me! I am desperate for you! In Jesus name make me over! I am at war with myself, I am in charge of my destiny!

family · kids · life · Uncategorized

Not sure


I was raised to do everything on time. I was taught there is order with everything you do. A womans job is never done. Although I was raised with order I still somehow seem to mess up. I often am unorganized and cant seem to find my way. Things get pushed back and I delay alot of import events due to lack of organization. Now factor in anxiety, depression, and children. The day starts early at 6am and all of the children are awake hungry, need to be wash and dressed. Its a mad house in the morning! whats a mother to do. Breath I tell myself it will be ok. How do you cope with mental health and time management?

Uncategorized

Tasteless Feast


Come sit with me at the table for a minute… what do you see?

I see someone pretending to be a friend staring back at me

I feel the knife in my bag going deeper than before, wait a minute I handed it to them so nice that make me more sore!

Come sit with me for a while let me show you some things

Open your eyes girl cant you see your being played!

Its like a nasty dish of dinner beiing served up in front of you

A bitter friend is like Tea without the sugar

A liar is like unseason chicken that looks like its flavorful

lets not forget the dessert

the sweet talk that you get on a daily where someone tells you how much they care to make you think you feel good but its tastless where is the sugar now this is no good

wait but lets go around the table again and see what was said your so funny, I love you etc. but then its shes fake, shes phony, she slow, hold up but where did all this so called love go

your like a side that I didnt order but got anyway and just so the chef didnt feel bad I scap it around my plate. see just like you played with me I was playing with you. Dumbing myself down but hey I am slow remember so its cool. I wish I never met you but I am lying see thanks for the lesson and dinner was exciting.

See I saw all the things I needed to today and before we leave which one of us has to pay.

accepted · family · Friendship · life · lonely · Uncategorized

Unaccepted


Was there a time where you felt like you werent good enough. Everything you did to be accepted didnt mean anything. Your family and friends take you as a joke and the minute you speak your mind its a problem. I mean nobody takes you serious except your children. You just want respect, you just want love, you just want someone to care like you do. One day you come across someone who gives you all you are looking for, what do you do? do you welcome the person or close the door? see I am letting you in on my personal life, things from my past and my present but a part of me is thinking what will the outcome be. Am I giving you something more bad to talk about or just filling you in on the things you been missing. NO really take the time to read because alot of this is coming from frustration, guilt, hurt , and shame some of this is trauma that cant be explained. But I am grown now and want to help someone else, so take a look and go head and talk about it who know how it may help. I am going to continue to give you a piece of me as long as God knows its helping someone get set free.