Can you take it off and place it there, start slow I promise not to stare. Can you take it off and let your words be tight dance a little slow its just me and you tonight. Can you take it off and let your eyes wonder all over my mind and body tickle me with your words and place it on top of your clothes. Hide the camera and Hide the phones where the tv over there under the clothes. I didnt come here to listen to you talk I wanted you to pretend to walk on my mind but its just a thought. In reality your watching me, watch you and got me to thinking. I forgot that this is just relating to someone who actually been in this position turn around , are you listening. take it off and place it over there. I am in the mirror playing with my piano. the keys on my body got me feeling fine. The drink in my hand is making me feel nice. I am relaxed now all of my thoughts are silent wait a minute now wheres the vodka? I need more liquor in my cup why does it seem like this life of yours suck. NO its just someone pretending to listen and pretending to care go get your underwear they are over there. Did you cum for fun name one thing I said all night this isnt the life for me something isnt right. I am watching the movie of a girl who is just lost in something that actually traumatized her o wait sit down and go low with me I have to hide under the bed just sit back and see. Who is this knocking its just me and you. See why you need to stop this other people are coming through, but your not suppose to know whats going on remember you had the vodka and its on, its on. Im so stuck what the heck do I do God get me out of this so I can turn to you. God your the director and the author of my life all of the stuff I am talking about is just something that aint right. God you got me dont ya I said I will stop , why am I thinking about this with a drink in my hand is that just the liquor talking. NOw I have to pretend to like this trash all for what a wet …… nothing ever last
Category: Uncategorized
deeper than I known
slick rick dig deep into this pit. I dont know how long its going to be on. I can feed you and make sure you live. slick girl you think its alright if I can come over just for the night. You make me feel better than I have ever felt before. Its a dangerous game that you are playing but the devil got you twisted so its like the drink you have where your not thinking. Go deep with me watch me make moves you thought I couldnt. Go deep with me lets escape to estacy where I will make you lose your mind and have you thinking your in a whole different world. But go deep with me while I take you on this journey go deep with me while you see my struggles are you helping me get better no!!! go deep with me inside my heart and mind where I began to explain my desires and dreams o yea I forgot your hear to get your cream off and make me scream off of your 5 mins of pleasure that cause me to sink deeper into a depression of stressin. why are you here again I forgot cause I turned off my mind for a second and escape to a place where I became a different person. Now I am back, Now I am back and you gotta go done with you, now I am deep in thought about regret and change dont take your time away. O yea I forgot it was just all a thought in my head it never happen but isnt that what he said lol its cool……go home where there are no rules
Running Water
Come take this ride with me. I am just going to the Corner store. after we grab a few things to eat we went to the liquor store there is where my mouth was watering thinking about how much I wanted to drink for the night. Yes I am about to get lit, I am about to turn up. After getting my liquor I decided to go my destination, drinking talking laughing playing around and then as the minutes turn into hours I am feeling buzzed all of my thoughts are now silent so I can relax and be silly. Everyone is around me just relaxing in their phone. She was dancing in the corner making facebook live videos. Here I am smiling and taking flix but deep down inside depression is taking over, I am surround by people but really sad. My thoughts are taking over as I have another sip to drown my thoughts. The more I drink the more I am slipping away from reality making a fool of myself. Asking God to help me while intoxicted why…Seeing images of better things to do. I am hearing running water, God please see me through all of this if you just give me a chance, I will change my ways. I will stop drinking. I hear the running water after I pray and wash my face clean the running water from God because I have been set free. I can enjoy your company with a sober mind and body, I dont need to listen to foolishness, but I listen to Gods voice, I hear running water when I am taking a shower of love from God hearing and seeing the blessing that he has for me from above. I am hearing running water because God gave me a try. I was running back to him and he didnt let me down. Running water to wash away my sins, running water now the choice is clear. I choice life and not death. Open my eyes O lord to hear your voice. Can you hear the running water to wash away your sins, Burn up the flesh and let God in
Tilt
I use to turn up every weekend and then it went from the weekends to everyday. Soon it was more than once a day, I decided that I need to make a change. Change the things I can and accept that things I cant. Easier said than done, You couldnt tell me it wasnt fun. Atleast thats what I thought until in private behind close doors I am throwing up, or feeling like I am not going to make it. Trying to play it off like o yea I can hang, but in reality I was making myself sick. I would tilt my head back to have that shot, just one more drink to numb the pain, just one more drink to make me have the courage to express myself, just one more drink to be the person everyone wants me to be, just one more drink and so I tilt my hand to my mouth and drink that drink. Who cares what it is Im turning up, everyone is loving me, O now I am making a fool of myself but who cares we are all friends right? hahaha o yea they laughing with me huh? haha naw they were laughing at me. I made a ffool of myself and now instead of tilting my head to drink, I tilt my head to think about my life and my children. God kept me here for a reason and I have 5 blessings to show for it. I tilt my head to pray, I tilt my head to really look at the life I have children and new mercy.
Short Prayer
Jesus we love you. Jesus we worship you, we give you glory. We lift you on high father, for you are worthy to be praised. There is none like you. No matter what we are going through there is a time and place for everything. NO more showing off my body, NO more seeking the wrong attention from boys. I am a child of God and he is my father. NO more long nights of porn and fornication. NO more alcohol and other addictions. Father has healed me from the crown of my head to the soul of my feet. I am made new. God is with me no matter what. we love you lord, we worship you and lift our voice for you are worthy to be praised. You are my children’s provider, protector, deliver. We want to go deeper with you Lord, There is no one who can look out for us the way you can. Depression you cant have me, anxiety get off of me. Bipolar my got is bigger! Whatever mental illness and Health issue that is trying to come over me. I remove it. I rebuke it and plead the blood of Jesus. I send it back to where it came from right now. Holy ghost fire move and loose it off of me. Go back to where you came from. Insecurities get out of my mind. I am beautiful I am strong and wonderful, fruitfully made. My God is a healer. Thank you Jesus I am set free!
She knows
being a child growing up in a household where certain things should be revealed. You have to act normal to the outside world, make it all look like your normal and happy.
Did we have it all yes! We had love, we had each other, we were taught to read, write, act, sing, dance, build, design, etc. we all were able to explore our creative sides of each other.
what we didnt know was that messing with each other in a sexual manner was not normal, we didnt know that as children, or teens. We should not sexual touch each other. We should not put any hand on anyone.
Growing up and having your innocents taking away in a fashion where it had a name, we are growing up and developing exploring each other. so much so that when you finally leave the home that started what i look at as a curse and hope that it stays there and not travel any where else.
it travels everywhere you go but not physically. its all mental, when you see other families and children. you think to yourself are they molesting each other. when you see a man with his daughter your wondering is she really happy and safe or is the trip to the toy story something to cover up for what he will do later in the night.
when everyone looks like a monster to you and you never talk to certain family memembers about it, you lock it away in your mind and live your life.
she knows that its wrong to talk about it, but its wrong to think everyone encountered the same thing that she did. Its crazy to think about it and not realize that as you grow older you look for the traits in people. but are the traits I mean can you really pinpoint it
she knows that your not suppose to bring it back up. she knows that your suppose to put in behind you. she knows she wouldnt dear let that happen to her children or do it to anyone else.
she knows when she went to threapy at the age of 13 to talk about it that it would be reported. she knows that if it was brought up at any family function it would get ignored so what does she do instead wait until she 32 with 5 children to let it out so that someone who is indeed going through it at this very moment know it may seem like your alone.
it may seem like you cant talk about it, it may seem like you wont escape it but there is help. there is a way to get by and you can survive use it as your testimony!
Motherless
She was there! but she wasnt really there. She was going through Post Traumatic Stress and we endure a lot of the back lash from it. She was there but she wasnt there. She would leave for hours at a time. Come back and fuss, ” who came inside the house?” lie as a child so you do not get a beating. the neighbor didnt come in but I am going to say he did. Why ? because at some point before I was born, he really did come in and hurt a sibling> But I didnt get hurt by a neighbor. I got hurt by family and so did she, that is why she was an alcoholic. My mother was there wasnt she. Is the pain she felt why she yelled at us. Did she blame us for her loneliness. Why was she there but not really, talking to herself looking out of the window. Drawing things that didn’t make sense in my mind. My mother was there wasn’t she. Until we got took away from her and sent to live with grandma. ” she is lost” grandma said mommy is hurting. Is that why she put us out. is that why she pushed us away> what did we do, I saw my step pop push you down the steps. My mother was there wasnt she, but not really. I saw him choke you, I saw him throw you against the wall. I saw things being thrown and broke. I heard you say stop! I heard him say no! but my mom was there. I saw yall smile the next day while we went food shopping and clothing shopping. I saw her talk to herself when you werent there. My mother was there wasnt she…
Thoughtful Teardrop
I thought about dropping a tear today,’ why? I am so frustrated, mad, angry, and sad. What! no way you feel alone? hurt? abused? shame? your not alone> I thought about dropping a tear for the little girl inside that cried and cried. I thought about dropping a tear for the woman who is in a relationship but feel like a single mother. I felt like dropping a tear for the teenager being promiscious and thinking she has to blend in with the crowd> I thought about dropping a tear for the woman who is not sure which way to go but do not want to give up! I thought about dropping a tear for the older woman who think is ok to give your children a negative view of life and think everyone is against you, instead of living your truth!
I didnt cry! I didnt shed the tear! I got up! I prayed! I gave it to God! I forgave the people! I forgave the person! I forgave myself! its a brand new day! the sun is shining! I feel the heat on my back! I see my children smiling! I see my children playing! I can live! I can run, I can jump! I can move! I am not fighting for my life mentally anymore! I decided to share with you! I decided to write! I am alive! I thought about dropping a tear today! but if you need to cry go head let it out and move on! its ok! let it go!
Gentle Breeze
whats that rubbing on my neck? whats the little kisses on my face, the touches on my breast, its inappropriate, i am a little girl. what are you doing? what is the wet spot in my ear. what is the finger inside of me. I am so confused. Why hasnt anyone stop this yet? o give me some suga, your my special one…
I dont get it what are you talking about. there is a house full of people and I want to scream but who will really hear me, when no one pays you attention anyway. How to feel secure when your innocence is being taking away so young? o its just a gentle breeze you feel from a man who says he loves you. Who buys your loves with extra treats or money. ” This is our secret” but wait what is the gentle breeze of my childhood being taking away from me. so young and naive, is this what love feels like. Why do I keep going back to feel the gentle breeze, my hair is standing up on my neck. I am scared and confused. but what is this gentle breeze? how do I get away from it. Ill hide in the bathroom, I run to my room, Ill play around my cousins a little longer. I will stay outside a little longer. Where am I really safe? what is this gentle breeze is it the night air from the open window, the smell or pee or smell of an unwash armpit? what is the gentle breeze? I cant see its dark and my mind is cloudy… But what is this gentle breeze?
Welcome
.” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!”
—Philippians 4:13
No need to be dull! live you life! Prayer helps with everything! God saves! Repent! God will set you free, no need to fight yourself! laugh! write! read! be blessed! Express yourself!
Paperless Tales 